I Can't Count to Ten
by Kagimine
Summary: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 8, 9, 10... You get told to count to ten to calm down. They say it really helps. It should be easy. Everyone can do it... but then why can't I? Onesided BXR BakuraxRyou Sight twisted, dark humor. Bakura POV T for suicidal themes


I can't count to ten. Close my eyes, calm down, whatever. I can't take deep breaths, clear my head, whichever. I try. Believe me, I try. But, I just _can't stand it _when someone else doesn't get what they deserve. On the other end of the argument. Like the other person won, or something. And I lost if I don't say the last word. It usually ends as me punching the other person. I usually make them cry, then it somehow turns out to be my fault. They're the ones who start the whole things.

I never instigate or ask for a fight. Its always the other person. They ask for it. They deseve punishment or a wake up call. Usually they are being ignorant, or like I said ealier, they poke a fight. I fought wth that _pharaoh _because he was _so stupid_. He acted like Kul Elna never existed. He was asking for it, no matter what most people might say- _excuse me_, what** everyone** **says**. It was in past tense, and if I left it in past tense, I would be lying. If I could, I would stay away from fights. But that's not going to happen any time soon, so why waste my time thinking that? No think about things that will make my life productive; useful. Not just a person taking up space. A waste of the Earth's oxygen supply. Which just happens to be my case.

Sometimes I think I'm bipolar or something. I get pissed so easily and quickly. I am really starting to think _really _its not normal. My hikari said I am bipolar.

Once you hear things enough, you really start to believe it. Like the fact I'm not normal. But I cherish that fact. I find difference very special; like I'm not made like all of the others, who are exact and have no flavor or diversity. I tell myself I am like a gift. Oh, now I am sounding conceited. I'm not vain, trust me. I just say those things to make myself feel better. All I am capable of is destroying. I sometimes think (ok, usually) that I'm not like anyone else at all. (I mean, hell, I'm a 5,000 year old spirit for Ra sake) Just kind of like a dot of black among endless white. Heh, kind of like a smudge on humanity. Once a little bit of black paint gets into white, not matter how hard you try to restore the pureness, it will be always some shade of grey, never clean again. No matter how hard you try. I forget where I heard that before. Doesn't really matter anyway. What matters is I am that stain on a perfect, pure white. A beautiful white angel, soiled and a dirty grey. Ryou...

I've cut myself before. It hurt less than I originally expected. Sort of just a dull sting. Ryou found me. He just stood there for a second before slowly walking over to bandage my deep, numerous cuts scatted all over my body. He looked... disgusted...

Like I was saying earlier before I got so horribly off subject (I do that a lot), I was saying how I have anger problems. My emotions are so overwhelming, its rather humorous. If I cry, a practically bawl my eyes out, when I get angry I usually want to seriously want to kill someone, and when I get depressed.... well lets just say my hikari is weighing the option of anti-depressants, which if I do get them, they will be thrown down the toilet. No doubt. I have so much emotion inside I like to think its power, building up. Immense power. That I am amazing and no one notices, but its there. But that won't happen. It's a nice thought, though. No damage in making yourself feel better, even if it just wastes your time. I usually use my time trying to find ways to help someone, but the attempts are futile, and usually make the situation worse. Or I try to make my hikari not dislike me so much.

Look at me, off track again. Oh well. Not harm in that when you can't help anything or make anything better. All it seems I'm good at is killing and hurting... I started to think that a while ago; all I am capable of in this world is ruining everything chaste and perfect. It's evident now.

No one wants to be near me. It seems like if someone sees me on the street or on the subway, they try their best to aviod me or not get in my path. Before, I probably would think it was cool and everyone knew I was in charge, but I am not as foolish as before to see it's not that. After awhile it just gets... _lonely_. And I get so upset now I feel like I'm insane. Am I going insane? If I was, would anyone care or notice? If they did, would they bother to help? Am I _already_ insane? I'm not going to be sent to the mad house anytime soon. Ryou wouldn't sent me there. He would never. He doesn't hate me that much.... Someone cares....

.....Right?

**Behind the everlasting smile, **

**behind the mischievous dark eyes **

**lays a true,**

**lost soul that **

**no one **

**can grasp**

* * *

This is actually a journal entry I wrote just a little while back. Not very old. I just changed the names and a few other small details to make it fit. Please Review if you like, and review if you don't like it and tell me what you didn't like!! ^_^


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